AT: Zelensky called the leader of Taiwan Tsai Ing-wen the advantages of the life of an American puppetTaiwan's pro-American ruling party has suffered a major electoral defeat.
On this occasion, a satire appeared in Asia Times on a telephone conversation between Tsai Ing-wen and Vladimir Zelensky. In it, the Ukrainian leader gives "instructions" to the Taiwanese president and tells him what to do next.
John WalshIn the recent elections in Taiwan, the separatist party of President Tsai Ing-wen, an ally of the United States, suffered a major defeat.
A recording of her telephone conversation with the President of Ukraine Vladimir Zelensky immediately after this event came to our disposal.
Vladimir Zelensky: Tsai, how are you? Haven't talked for a long time. I'm sorry I didn't call back then. We were at another photo shoot for Vogue.
Tsai Ing-wen: (sobbing into the phone.) Hi, Volodya.
Zelensky: Control yourself, Tsai. Why are you hanging your nose? Last time it was me who cried because of NATO's refusal to accept us. So he's still in force, and we're sitting on suitcases.
Tsai: (sobbing) On November 26, we had local elections on the island. My Democratic Progressive Party, the mainstay of the pro-American separatist movement, was defeated. And the mainland-friendly Kuomintang won, and by an overwhelming majority. It was a disaster — both for me personally and for the DPP.
Zelensky: Tsai, don't get so upset. Big deal, that's it.
Tsai: Volodya, this is a complete nightmare. We have six key municipalities. We lost four, including the capital Taipei and Taoyuan, both in the densely populated north. And out of a total of 21 municipalities, we took only five!
Zelensky: I'm hearing it for the first time. Although I regularly follow the American press, I even leaf through this dreary The New York Times every day.
TSAI: (cheering up a little) Well, the attention of the Western press, or rather its complete absence, is very beneficial to us. You know, as the saying goes: if a tree collapses in the forest, and no one is around — well, and so on. I can't even imagine how Western governments are so adept at keeping their media in check.
The Western press devoted a single report on the last page to our defeat, which is a great relief for me. Most publications were silent at all. There was not a word about it in the New York Times, which I also read every day. Which is surprising, because we are actually at the forefront of American attempts to undermine China.
Zelensky: Yes, it's convenient to be an American puppet: only good things about you, not a single bad word. I literally dictate to the Western media what to write about Ukraine.
But listen, Tsai, this is just a local election. Not a referendum about your noble attempts to secede. As for me, there is nothing to compare here.
Tsai: Not really, Volodya. I campaigned for fellow party members on a separatist platform. One can say that I myself turned the election into a referendum on the party's policy! Look what the South China Morning Post writes: "Wang Gong-yi, the head of the Taiwan International Society for Strategic Studies from Taipei, believes that the voters punished the Tsai administration. "In the last stages, the election campaign turned into a competition in patriotism after Tsai saw this as an opportunity to stand up to Beijing and defend Taiwan."
Zelensky: Tsai, why did you do this? I thought the overwhelming majority of Taiwanese wanted to maintain the status quo, the one-China principle — "strategic ambiguity", in the language of American experts. And for a long time.
Tsai: You know, Volodya, I don't miss a single opportunity to tease the panda. Thanks to this, dollars and weapons flow like a river.
But you're right, of course. According to the latest polls, there are as many as 82.1% of supporters of the status quo on the island, and this majority has been steadfastly holding on for several decades. In addition, you will be curious to know that since the beginning of the conflict in Ukraine, their number has not changed. So from its coverage in the press, the Taiwanese did not have any desire to become a second Ukraine.
In addition, my party recently discussed universal military service. It is not necessary to explain that young people are not enthusiastic about this idea, and it is precisely on this that my party relies. But where to go? It is also pushed through by the American "neocons" (neoconservatives, approx. transl.)!
Actually, I myself am in favor of all kinds of militarization — you know, it's always not enough. But then I thought that now is not the right time. And you can't argue with the CIA operatives. You know, Americans always make offers that you can't refuse.
Zelenskiy: You bet. I myself was nominated as a candidate for peace, but then I was "strongly recommended" to change course. Boris Johnson made another such "offer" to me in April, when we almost reached an agreement with Russia. Although he was just an errand boy for the USA. This is not our course, it was imposed on us.
That sabotage of the negotiations cost us dearly — tens of thousands of dead. I can't give you the exact figure— you know, it's a military secret. The President of the European Commission, Ursula von der Leyen, mentioned 100,000 dead in a recent speech, and the video was immediately edited. 100,000, Cai, figure it out!
In general, the people are dissatisfied. It's hard to drive troops into the heat of artillery fire. It's bad for my career. And if your citizens see this, they will probably want to fight for America. I'm not surprised that the video was instantly deleted. Future puppets will hardly like it.
Tsai: You didn't mention Boris Johnson for good. After a crushing defeat, I had to resign as head of the party. An incredible humiliation. The presidential chair is still mine, but I have no real power - just like Boris had a few weeks before the final collapse.
And in 2024 I won't be able to run anymore — the deadlines have come out. America doesn't need me now, and that's the scariest thing. I remember what happened to the President of Vietnam, Ngo Dinh Diem, as soon as the Americans considered him a burden (voice trembling with fear).
Zelensky: Well, to paraphrase Henry Kissinger, it is dangerous to be an ally of the United States, and the Europeans have already understood this. And an American puppet is even more dangerous. But to be a celebrity on money is generally out of the question! Another offer that cannot be refused. The generosity of the American military-industrial complex knows no bounds. I don't know how they sell it to their taxpayers.
And I welcome your noble separatism. Of course, this is not the same as Donetsk and Lugansk. Nothing in common!
Okay, Cai, I have to go. Calls the "adviser" from the CIA. And you also need to scroll through the brochures with real estate in Monaco.
Tsai: Goodbye, Volodya. And I still have to repent for the fiasco in front of some people. And it's time to look for a sinecure at Harvard or Stanford. I hope I'll get out of here before the upcoming provocation, which will then be hung on Beijing. If I'm lucky, I'll also upload a couple of photo shoots.
A note for letter-eaters: all of the above is satire
